Ruffy's Weekly Malfunctions

We finally got our first winter snow storm, if you could call it a snow storm.  About 2.5 inches of the fluffy white stuff.  Just enough to look pretty and not be a pain in the ass. For the record, dear Miss. Mother Nature, if you're going to give us some snow, at least make it a sizable amount.  Granted I don't like having to shovel the crap, but I love it when we're buried in a few feet.  Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.

I've had quite the week concerning, um, how to put this delicately, my digestive system.  I'm at my desk, on Monday, getting ready to leave for lunch and I sneezed.  Apparently the force of thus sneeze created a chain reaction causing my colon to spasm and yes, frankly, I shit my pants.  I was in shock and horror.  Did that just really happen?  What the hell, its not like I'm an 80 year old man!  Thank god I was wearing underwear; something I tend not to do.  So I bolted out of my office and drove home to change.  We never used to lock the house because Cruella was home, and that's something I still trying to get used to.  I get up to the back door, locked; Damn it!  By this time, my stomach is cramping like a mofo.  I run back to the car, grab my keys, squeezing my cheeks, I'm trying to unlock the back door.  The lock is jammed.  I was trying so hard I thought I would snap the key off in the lock.  Now what the hell am I going to do.  The puppies are jumping and barking like crazy inside the shed.  I tried jiggling the door, pushing it, pounding on it, jiggling the key, nothing would work.  By this time, I have beads of sweat of my forehead and if I don't get into the house there's going to be more of mess in my pants than there already is.  I know this is just some silly prank being played on me; right?  Now I'm thinking, which windows are locked and which ones are open.  I could always try to crawl through one of those.  Then it hit me, try the front door, it doesn't always lock right.  I run around to the front of the house, turn the handle on the front door and presto, I'm in!  Thank you Jesus.  I run upstairs to the bathroom and do what I needed to do and got cleaned up.  I walk to the back door and turn the lock and of course it opens without any trouble. What the fuck?  Moments like that make me think the spirits in our old house are playing tricks on me.

To be honest, the rest of the week wasn't any better concerning my digestive system.  I think it may have been related to all the salads and healthy foods I've been eating.  Maybe too much roughage.  Either that or I really am getting old.  So Thursday night, the Hubster and I are sitting in the den watching TV.  The puppies are all snuggled up in my lap under the blanket with me, and my stomach starts grumbling.  I'm thinking, great here we go again.  Of course, I'm thinking it just must be gas.  Since I had gas all damn day.  Sure enough, I fart.  Phew just gas.  A few moments later I feel pressure building again, I go to fart and opps, that's not gas. Yes, once again I crapped my pants!  For the love of god!  Actually it was horrible.  I wound up being up until 2:00 am in the morning sitting on the damn toilet.

As of today, things are all back to normal LOL.  I'm sure your thinking, damn, Ruffy, don't you have anything else to write about?  Well to be honest, no not really.  Unless you want me to start whining again about how broke we are and how my checking account has a zero balance.  I figured you guys have endured enough of my financial woes for a while.  Or I could go on about how I saved over $114 on my grocery bill using coupons.  Yes, that's right, girl, you heard me.  I rock my coupon binder when I shop! Now if I could win the lottery or something, that would seriously make life a lot easier and more interesting, but I can't justify spending money on a frivolous lottery ticket.

Of course I always have something for you from the crazy world of Cruella.

Friday afternoon....
Ring, ring, ring...I look at my cell, it says MOM.  Crap, what now?
Cruella: "Sam, you need to call the nurses station, they're going to bring someone else in here to share my room with me."
Me: "Well you have a double, they never said you would be alone in there."
Cruella: "Well, you're going to have to bring me my potty chair.  I can't be sharing a bathroom with someone else.  What if I have to go and they are in there.  You know I can't hold it."
Me: "You're being ridiculous.  If you need a potty chair they can give you one."
Cruella: "Can you just call and see what's going on?"
Me: "OK"
I hung up and put the cell away.  no I wasn't calling anyone about this.
30 minutes goes by...ring, ring, ring.  It's mom again.
Me: " yes Mom"
Cruella: "Did you call?  I don't want to share my room with someone, they'll snoop and take my things."
Me: "No I haven't had a chance, and what make you think they will take your things?"
Cruella: "Are you going to bring me my potty chair?"
Just a little back story on the potty chair, I hate that thing!  She had one in her bedroom in our house and used it rather than walking 10 extra feet to use the real toilet.  It was an item of serious contention.  Not to mention the smell!  Even when she was in the hospital she made them give her a potty chair because she didn't want to walk the 5 feet to the bathroom.  She's lazy!
Me: "No you don't need a potty chair!"
Cruella: "You don't understand!  Just call and find out what's going on."
I hung up!
30 minutes later....ring, ring, ring..its her again.
Me: "What now Mom?"
Cruella: "Did you call?"
Me: "No. I haven't had the time."
Cruella: "Don't worry about it, they were just swapping out the bed.  No one is moving in here."
Me: "You're crazy!"
I hung up!